Fast Food Frustration

   I've finally reached a boiling point on fast food expectations and etiquette. Sure, I might have rose colored glasses but I think its time someone explained not only what to expect at a fast food restaurant, but also how to properly partake in the experience.

I have to start with the biggest annoyance on the planet, multiple ordering through the drive thru. If you can't make it a single order, then go inside.  Not only is it a hassle for the poor sap who is ringing up your order,but you are also setting yourself up for disaster when it comes to getting the wrong food.  With each additional order placed through the drive thru, your odds of getting something messed up increases exponentially. If you aren't familiar with exponents, then know that its not looking good for you. Its really best to keep things simple.

Also, I don't understand the complaining that goes on when they do get your order wrong, or your burger has onions or whatever asinine request you've made. My stance is this, if you are to lazy to make your own damn meal or are in a hurry on the way to work, you can't really bitch about shit going wrong.  Its called fast food for a reason people.  McDonald's doesn't have a 5 second time limit on how long you should sit at the window before you get your food thrown at you to ensure accuracy.  They are in the business of herding you through in the most efficient manner possible.  Its often said you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet, well the same applies to food. You gotta fuck up a few orders to hurry the line along. Honestly, for how many people that visit a local drive thru each day, I would say the percentage of orders that are messed up is surprisingly low.  I may not have any actual evidence backing this up, but I would take my word for it, my gut tells me i'm right.

Sexify the Soda Machine.

Soda Machines...

Pretty standard stuff really.  You put your crinkled up dollar in, it spits it out a few times,  you try to flatten it over the edge of a table and while it does succeed in that manner, you also proceed to turn it into a cocaine straw. When the machine finally accepts the dollar you always find yourself struggling to decide what selection to make.  Its as if all logic goes out the window.  I don't know about the rest of you, but I consciously make a decision before I walk to the soda machine just! so I don't look like that jackass who stares at the buttons debating myself like its the million dollar question on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and i'm all out of lifelines. Yet, when the machine finally reads 1.00 I find myself, each and every time, staring at the god damn buttons.  I don't know if I think I'm going to trick myself into try something that has < 23 flavors, because it never happens. I'm addicted to that shit.

But don't worry, I have come up with a simple solution for this dilemma. Its the random soda button.  Today I proposed to the fine Soda Machine Filler Upper Guy at my local soda machine to ditch the Sprite in favor of a randomized soda selection option. Lets face it, Sprite hasn't been cool since Grant Hill had ankles. And that's not a knock on Grant Hill's ankles, the man is playing like a champ this season, its really a diss on Sprite.  The best they've done the past decade is get some free publicity from a fan's fake commercial.

Caution: NSFW (sort of)

I say screw the Sprite and let's step outside the safety circle and just waste a spot in the rotation.  Why does every slot have to be a specific drink?  I think the worst thing that happens to these machines is they get stale.  I think sugar peddlers should take a page out of the fast food playbook and leave a slot open for a monthly promotional beverage.  The Random button would be the A-1 Thick & Hearty of the vending machine.  It could bring buzz back to a boring business model, and hell, it sure doesn't hurt to try.

Mimi's Cafe

Can someone explain this to me? I just don't get it.  What is the appeal of this place? What do old people enjoy about this place that keeps them coming back?

Have you ever seen anyone under the age of 40 who is there of their own accord? I was unfortunate enough to experience the joy that is Mimi's Cafe during my monthly trip to satiate my creators needs to make sure i'm still alive. Walking in, you are immediately greeted by the scent of near death.


Side Note ** Since when did old people start staying out after the street lights came on? **


 Annnywho!

I can only hope I don't get suckered as easily when I am eligible for Social Security.  The classics menu is full of old timey recipes that bring them back to those "good ole days" you always hear them reminiscing about.  I can just imagine getting old and seeing the classics menu of the future featuring double deckers, mission burritos, and orange chicken. Could you really stop yourself from annoying your grand kids for the hundredth time? I'm just not sure I have the self control necessary to be perfectly honest.

So I guess I really should be thanking Mimi's for being a hot zone for geriatrics.  That way when Sunday morning comes rolling around, I'll know exactly what intersection to avoid so I can keep my good driver discount.

Green Grass!

Ahhhhh.

That is the sound of me being at peace.  Green grass has that effect on me, I must admit.  Walking through a large patch of thick lush green grass transports me to my happy place.

Sitting on a patio, sipping some hot tea, reading a book, surrounded by amazing vegetation, that is what I call a good time.  I then remember that is not my actual backyard, but a backyard I would enjoy having.  Immediately I start to brainstorm what it will take to transform my dull, overly brown fenced in island into my dream haven.  A little sweat equity here, a splash of rock there, and...

BAM!

Serenity.

Then my foot hits the sidewalk and I come back to reality.  Time for Math.......

Here it goes again.

That overwhelming feeling of not being able to fulfill all of my commitments is starting to stress me out.  Its like a vicious cycle, just when I think I have it under control, it blows up in my face.

First things first though, sorry for not updating last week.  Between a weekend fling to Sin City(where I conveniently left all my money) to school starting up, I found that all of my free time to think has vanished.  I had a few small subjects I wanted to touch on, but their moment has passed.  Although, I could still say a few things about the start of the 2011 Cycling season.

Woo Hoo!!

Man I am pumped. Last weeks Tour Down Under in Australia has been pretty fun to watch. While I still have the final two stages to watch on my dvr, I have been impressed so far.  Its definitely not the Tour De France, but it has its moments.  My only complaint is the lack of coverage it receives. Now I know cycling isn't for everyone(or any Americans for that matter), but I think its a little more exciting to watch than 8 hours of fishing followed by another 8 hour block of Sports Soup w/ Junior Seau. That's all i'm saying.

Moving on!

Back to the topic at hand, and I swear I can't be alone in this, but I just can't catch up on tv.  Television just needs to quit making so many god damn good shows that suck my life away. I feel High Quality television programming will be the downfall of our civilization.

Global Warming is officially on notice.  You got nothing on cable television son, you might as well sit your ass down and prepared to get schooled.

Tosh.O, Californication, Shameless, Archer, House, and Holmes on Homes are most of the shows that are ruining my life right now.  I'm just glad football is basically over as that empties out a few hours on my Sunday to possibly have a chance at keeping up to date on my dvr.  Hell, I'd like to be able to carve out a few hours a week to play some freaking xbox again too.  And while I am on the subject, if I could find some time to get some bike riding and hiking in, I'd like that too, thanks!

How does everyone here do it? I'd like to know how full other people's lives are so I don't feel so alone in this crazy mixed up world.  Is there a timeout button I missed somewhere?

Escaping Funkotron.

Just wanted to give a shout out to Toejam & Earl, one of my favorite Sega games growing up.  While Funkotron was the home of those two crazy cats, it is also a reference to my state of mind this past week.

Whew. That is one way of putting it.

Angry Depressed Jerk would be a more accurate description really.  Suffering from gastrointestinal pain for three straight days will do that to a person, not that it really excuses my behavior.

I suppose a trophy is in order for the Beebmeister for putting up with me this week.  She's either suffers from a severe mental masochist, or just really understanding.  I haven't really decided at this point.

Escaping my funk has been great though.  I'm finally back to being my normal productive self.  Rode my bike three days this week, nothing crazy mind you, just little seven mile jaunts.  I have to find my legs and hope one day I can have a reasonable shot at making the summit to South Mountain.

I decided its time I go back to the gym as well.  Been gone for too long and I need it in my life again.  I have decided I will hike the Grand Canyon again and I want to be sure I am in tip top shape so I can set a personal record for time.  It shouldn't be hard as long as the ole knees hold up.

Mmmmm Mucus!

   I've come to be baffled recently as to the occurrence of mucus.  I just don't get it.  How can I blow my nose and clear out my nostril, only to be stuffed up again in less than five minutes.

   I'm sure someone can give me a scientific logical explanation for the sludge factory that was my sinuses this weekend, but I am not interested.  I already know why.

  Mucus Gnomes!

  I swear they are up there, just chilling, waiting to strike at the most inconvenient time.  Like the weekend you were supposed to enjoy the company of friends and play a nice nerdy board game.

  I just picture them as some sort of distant cousin to the dreaded foot fungus fiends from the Lamisil commercials.  As you go to put down your wasted tissue they begin shoveling more mucus into your cavities.  There's just no other explanation.

  Also, how the hell can it just stop when you are full?  Sure you can suffer from the occasional "runny nose", but that's more akin to the slow drip of your bathroom sink.  Its like your immune system is hellbent on making you sound like your economics teacher from college.

  Sure, there are some relief methods out on the market that offer a modicum of help. There is the trusty "Mucus Expectorant", but lets be honest, the only thing you can really expect is to use up all your nice goose down comforter Kleenex, then you are left using your 80 grit paper towels.  All that does is make you hate life every time you blow your nose because you are suffering from facial diaper rash.  I can truthfully say I've never had more homicidal rampage type thoughts than when I suffer from a sore chaffed nose from a cold.

  That's why I always keep a supply of nice tissues at home and work.  Also, since I feel in a generous mood, I would suggest skipping the cheap sugar laced cough suppressants that are littering the market these days and opt for the Sucrets.  Just search for the only Altoid box  in the cough medicine aisle.  I'm fairly confident they use cocaine as a secret ingredient.  The numbness you will experience makes all the anger and crankiness your co-workers have to deal with melt away.  The awesome thing is you only need 2-3 of those a day, instead of the old standard Halloween pillowcase full of the other stuff you have now.

  ........S.